You can’t control it.

It takes like a lot for people to understand that sometimes I guess. Like it’s just this feeling like sometimes your looking at a snow globe, like you’re excluded from everyone and everything and like, that feeling persists forever with depression. I was like seeing someone for a while as well and it’s like, they actually had really bad depression as well and it just, like it of course burned out as like, I can’t really put everything into a relationship right now or like I don’t know for how long it’ll be like that. They’re getting help now so that’s a good thing but, I mean at least for me right now I have to try and focus on getting my life back on track.

You get so comfortable just being depressed sometimes and you don’t realize, (or rather you do realize and you don’t care) and that’s not really anyway for anybody to live, but you really can lose a lot of time.

I don’t want to put 100% into a relationship anymore either, that pretty much destroyed me last time around and I’m still hurt from that, I’m still married from that for Fuck sakes, but in the best interest of myself I’ve got to try and keep on living.

The most painful part of that whole mess was honestly how much my mom felt for me, hurt for me and honestly even sometimes was angry for me as well, I know people say this a lot but my mother is honestly one of the most emotional, worrying yet kind people to walk the planet and so much of that (Probably except for the kind part lol) has rubbed off on me. Making that album, of course not finishing it yet, was the only thing that I would look forward to for like almost two years.

Like I spent those two years alone, completely alone except for like, emotional support via like messages or my one close friend in Taiwan, who I’ve like been a dick too by not showing up, so I better fix that quick.

2018.07