I forgot how HOT it is

Seriously sometimes when you just stay in the air conditioning all day, you forget that it’s actually like 30+ outside. 

Anywhoo, now that I know I’m probably going back to Canada for a bit, I’m trying to get out and do some more things instead of just staying inside the house all day lol.

Zippered pants from H&M, looks good, but probably the worst choice for me lol. I have this habit when I’m walking to like rub my heels or something, and when I’m wearing these pants, it ends up hitting the metal zipper instead and like I didn’t even realize I’m bleeding until someone stopped me when I was otw to NET , which I always shop at because it’s cheap as fuck lol.

Also, side note. I have this friend who’s been like family to me since I came to Taiwan, and about a week ago I really definitely let her down, like we were supposed to attend an event and something really personal happened and I just ended up not showing up and couldn’t contact her for a few days, and I have this habit then if something is uncomfortable of just procrastinating doing anything about it, and it’s been like a week and a half now and I haven’t said anything. 

I really need to find someway to make it up to her and formally apologize because seriously like we haven’t spoken for a week and I feel alone as fuck here.

I don’t know where I got that tendency, I feel like it was from living in JP so long LOL. Or Asia in general haha.

Also, depression is getting much worse. It’s like people don’t understand either and just think I’m being dramatic or something but honestly it’s like I can have the best of intentions to have an awesome productive day and then the wrong song, or just like something that will trigger any past negative memories or something will just ruin my whole day. Sometimes it’s not even that something needs to happen your depression just constantly makes you feel, well like, depressed.

It takes like a lot for people to understand that sometimes I guess. Like it’s just this feeling like sometimes your looking at a snow globe, like you’re excluded from everyone and everything and like, that feeling persists forever with depression. I was like seeing someone for a while as well and it’s like, they actually had really bad depression as well and it just, like it of course burned out as like, I can’t really put everything into a relationship right now or like I don’t know for how long it’ll be like that. They’re getting help now so that’s a good thing but, I mean at least for me right now I have to try and focus on getting my life back on track.

You get so comfortable just being depressed sometimes and you don’t realize, (or rather you do realize and you don’t care) and that’s not really anyway for anybody to live, but you really can lose a lot of time. 

I don’t want to put 100% into a relationship anymore either, that pretty much destroyed me last time around and I’m still hurt from that, I’m still married from that for Fuck sakes, but in the best interest of myself I’ve got to try and keep on living. 

The most painful part of that whole mess was honestly how much my mom felt for me, hurt for me and honestly even sometimes was angry for me as well, I know people say this a lot but my mother is honestly one of the most emotional, worrying yet kind people to walk the planet and so much of that (Probably except for the kind part lol) has rubbed off on me. Making that album, of course not finishing it yet, was the only thing that I would look forward to for like almost two years.

Like I spent those two years alone, completely alone except for like, emotional support via like messages or my one close friend in Taiwan, who I’ve like been a dick too by not showing up, so I better fix that quick.

I have a bunch of demos that are like either half finished, or a bunch of jibberish that I created when I was just like mixing in logic under the influence lol(^^) but sometimes that’s when like raw emotion comes out. I plan on actually finishing them all and publishing them but I’ve got to actually finish working on the lyrics and get a decent platform for recording again.

Anyways this journal is getting too deep and too depressing but I shall talk about this another day haha.