I Wonder

I sometimes wonder after almost two and a half years of having been separated and not divorced, if after the time comes that we do, will the pain of it stop? 
This has been the hardest challenge of my life. 

And the way that this disease isolates you from in Asian culture, from everything and from everyone, a normal person would never understand. 

So when you get tired of listening to me complain or rant or get upset about it, that’s fine, don’t listen, don’t stay friends. Because honestly you could never and will never understand.

What do I have to gain from lying about anything really? There’s nothing left to gain, there’s nothing left to lose. I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore. Why did we even end? Because you didnt want to confront an issue? 

You left me alone to deal with this disease for life by myself, so you could lie to maintain this crazy sex life. Like and as much as I’ve been through I would have rather stayed and been cheated on everyday then have my life like this. 

Does that new dude believe you even? We didn’t even have problems I don’t even really understand to this day unless I understand you. Does he think that the proble just went away? How can you actually hide having this from someone for this amount of time?

 I seriously maybe still love you, in a different way but no one has ever hurt me this deep. And no one can take responsibility for it but me I guess but I just don’t know how to do it anymore.


Canadian born , Asia grown. Kesen is a personal blog with a focus on Asia Pacific, SEO, Wordpress & self-composed music. KPU Asian Studies.