I’m probably going to regret being so open about this in the future and writing what I’m about to write but honestly, fuck it. I’m just going to talk about it because I need to talk about it for my own personal benefit lol.

Quick Intro

I don’t wanna really go into it again, but if I don’t give some pretext before making this post it’s not going to make any sense.

SEX

Yeah we’re gonna go there. It’s been like, almost three years since we separated. My sex life after we found out about our status has been like, completely just absent. I can’t even like follow through with hooking up or even really meeting anyone even socially since that point.

It’s like, do I use apps? Yes.

Like do I flirt or send photos? Yes.

Even go as far as like making plans yeah, but I never follow through with it after. I never meet anyone. I basically just always blow off everyone.

Like in my head it’s such a long process and too much effort. It’s like, rather then actually make the effort to meet anyone for hookups like, I’ll just like, this sounds so bad like I can’t even say it that’s how awkward sex or anything sexual has become for me after everything that happened. But yeah, just jerk off and then sleep lol.

It’s like, my sex Drive is there I guess. But just for the longest time I’ve been so used to associating sex with some kind of dishonesty or lies, and eventually something painful emotionally rather then like, something enjoyable.

Basically that whole routine has gone on for like the almost three years since being separated. I always like did the same thing and then I’d focus on something else like, working on the websites or like anything basically.

People would say to me like, what do you mean you haven’t had sex in three years, or like compliment my apparence or something but like, compliments have become more of a reason for me to feel awkward in this time too and I don’t know why.

I don’t know why it’s like this and this is how I’ve become during the whole “healing process” but this is exactly what it’s become.

Like prior I had a “healthy” sex life, I mean like as a married guy, and in a relationship, obviously it wasn’t healthy after finding out what went on and contracting like every STD possible on the planet but like, it wasn’t like this because I didn’t have a need to be like, scoping out sex lol.

Where does it even go from here?

I don’t know honestly like. Maybe I’ll stay this way forever. Every time I even think of sex I get really like, I just don’t go there cause it brings back all these feelings associated with my past relationship and just never feeling good enough and always being lied to, I just can’t do it. Like it makes me feel disgusting. I always remember him saying like, men have needs. And it’s like part of me doesn’t even want to give into it because that would make him right. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just be like asexual forever lol.

It’s honestly like. A lot of shit went down and everything, like even the wildest suspicions I had, things I would think like, no you’re actually being paranoid, they all turned out to be true. And it was just really damaging for me to deal with. Maybe I’ve never really dealt with it and this is my way of coping with it, just staying away from sex and relationships completely.

Like sure someday I’m sure that I’ll meet someone but I honestly just want to focus on myself and make sure that if I ever take a big blow like this in the future again I won’t end up on my ass like I did then.

HIV