I’m actually quite hesisitant to go back to Vancouver, just because all I know back there is like, when I wasn’t separated, but also the good memories, along with the bad.
I’m actually a little bit afraid because although I’ve dealt with depression before, and it’s not nearly as bad right now, people get triggered by things, and I’m just like nervous that it would become a situation in which that would happen. Like we lived together and we basically spent every single day together. Even coming back to Canada in the beginning at first reminded me a little of it.
Whenever a marriage fails I guess it takes a little part out of you that takes a long time to get back. I see now that is definitely for the better and going back to university and finishing my B.A actually makes complete sense, I just really have to be able to focus and not get distracted by memories, which is what they are, there’s nothing left, we’ve been separated over two years now and that’s that. I’m not clinging at some false hope that things would ever go back to how they were, or that we’d even be civil with each other.
The day will come like we’re actually going to divorce and that itself will probably be another emotional hurdle, but life itself it’s a hurdle anyways, I’m not going to let it bog me down and waste anymore time crying over spilled milk - I already have done that and in the end the only thing that winds up damaged is you.
So I’m hoping it won’t even be a thing, but if it is I owe it to myself and my future is riding on my ability to push it aside and deal with myself and bettering myself.
After that I really have no plans to ever go back to Vancouver, or to stay. After I graduate I’ll go back to Japan and hopefully be in a much better place. I’m not where I was a couple years back. But I’m not at a place where I’m just able to laugh about what happened yet, and I hope one day I will be.